Why? i did not mean to put you aside.. but you need to know that i needed to settle things.. i did ask you to go first but you insisted on waiting.. but when i told you i am not eating you were.. i don't know what to describe that..there are other reasons why i don't eat during recess and after school... just understand... I was saddened by that..

you, i totally gave up.. i am totally disappointed with you.. i expected to much from you.. too bad.. its such a waste....

i was ok earlier part of today.. brought a smile in school.. but reality struck me.. i have no time to smile.. no time to waste.. i have things to settle immediately especially studies.. haish i am worried for all of them and for my studies.. which one to choose??

I am worried for you man.. i know you wont share with me anything but just know that i am always here for you..

And you, you say you gave me face and tell me first that ask me to settle.. he did what you want but you never kept to your words.. it made me loo bad to him..

Life is nothing but a stage.. A stage for actors to act wiht their mask.. The good actors manage to hide themselves among all the actors where as the bad ones would reveal themselves... the good one would achieve alot but wont be happy... the bad ones would either be casted by the society or they are just left like that... so which one am i?? i am lost.. with no direction...Life??? Is it that beautful??

Definitely a video i would recommend to everyone.. Sit down, read every word and then think and reflect on it ..

This one really gets me motivated..

A video for the Leaders..

Another inspirational video...

i don't know whether i should be happy or sad with you?? i just don't feel like telling anyone... you need to understand that.. you yourself sometimes never tell me whats wrong.. i know you meant well fort me but look there are certain things that i just don't like telling... i hope you understand...


I am starting to get headache... i am confused... i give up on looking on the bright side of life... i am tired with being Strong on the outside and weak in the inside..very tired of acting..

I didn't want to admit..It was easier to lie, and hide the hurt and emptiness, to smile instead of cry....

Why is fate so cruel to us?? This time my whole family would have sleepless nights..

Whats wrong with me??? I have not been sleeping peacefully..
slept at 11.30p.m.
Toss and turn and manage to sleep at 12.45a.m.
The first time i close my eyes yesterday night, i was at sea.. then i jump inside.. and i was drowned.. It was like the waves engulfed me.... then i woke up its only 1.15a.m.
then i don't know why i keep waking up.. at about 2.10a.m., about 3.30a.m., about 4.20 a.m., about 5.15a.m,, about 6.20a.m. and lastly about 7.30a.m... i gave up sleeping and wake up... I eat less this few days.. cannot sleep peacefully.. this is driving me nuts...

8 more days??? Would i be able to enjoy that day??? Unexpected events may unfold again... I think this would be the worse one i have ever had eversince i was born.. All i simpy ask for was a reunion... but you are being really unrealistic.. i agreed to your request but now this have to happen... Lord dont you want me to pull my family back together again?? I was promised that i can enjoy that day by Kevin and Claire.. I know i would if i manage to get out of this fog that engulfed my mind... If i manage to go... Perhaps I should not have planned that outing.. it only hurts others and would hurt others.......

Oh Tuhan, saya hanya boleh merujuk kepada anda dengan masalah saya. Saya bimbang untuk mereka semua.... keluarga,teman dan junior.... oh tuan Mahakuasa, sila tunjukkan jalan untuk mengatasi semua permasalahan yang dihadapiku ini... Saya tahu ini adalah ujian bagi saya tapy tolong Tuanku... jnagan tinggalkan aku dalam kesusahan.....membimbing saya, menunjukkan saya dan membantu saya kerana anda adalah semua-mengetahui dan semua-mengasihi... Berikan kekuatan kepada keluarga saya terutama ibu saya yang amat dicintai... dia terlalu tua untuk melewati semua masalah ini.... Sila tuan, jika anda perlu meletakkan masalah pada saya.... sila tuan, menunjukkan junior saya cara yang betul untuk masalah-masalah mereka... beri mereka kekuatan mereka perlukan..

Today was alright lah... Was feeling really terrible today.. thats why you all see me read books.. When i read books mean i am feeling terrible inside.. when the prefects started their rehearsal everyone was like so bored.. so i decided to put on a mask and be hyper... well it went on undetected... after the whole thing end, i sit at the back, reading the book.. reading halfway saw him.. he was alright... but dont know what is in his heart and mind, so i took out the letter and read it.. tears emerge in my eyes..



Some told me you really hated me.. some told me you block me off msn.. i am not angry with you for doing that.. i must have done something to make you angry.. have really been a bad mantor to you.. i should have let ck mentor you..i should have known that i am never fit to mentor anyone.. thank god ck can work by himself.. or else he would be like you.. i am really sorry for not doing the job to the max.. i am really terribly sorry...

Wrote this while i was at my shop... Under the eyes of 2 of my juniors.. i guessed my mask was on which was why they could not realise...

I have lost the light that has always brighten the dark tunnel of life.... Now i am scared, having to face all this alone... With nothing guiding me, i am lost... Lost in the game of life.. the light that once burned with might is now dim light a faint star in the sky. Now that i am alone in this tunnel, I am afraid that I would give up and stop moving forward... Oh God, please send me my guardian angel to relight this light within me... Without it, I am nothing.... I cant sleep well, rest well or do anything well without its guidance... Those who have turned to me for help are suffering as I cant help them.. The light is everything to me... PLEASE my LORD, send the guardian angel to me as soon as possible.. So that i can spread the love.... So that I can once again have that ferocious light burning in me which would give me strength and once again be whom I am.. So that it can show me the way out of this treacherous tunnel I am in...

I am having a mixed feeling... I am just weird... I am feeling pissed with myself for being so... haish.. i am worried for those juniors both in NCC and in prefectorial board... hope they don't quit in their struggle... Tired of life, homeworks and studies.... Disappointed with myself in not achieving what i want.... there are a lot more... the worse one is feeling very tired of wearing a mask... its probably easy for you guys to ask me to just put it down... its easier said than done.... really hard....it has already been in tuned into my life..... life???? its just a stage for actors... the bas actors suffers openly but the good actors suffers secretly... probably i would private my blog soon so i can pour my feelings out without anyone knowing... don't really want my loved ones to worry for me..but i need some where to pour that feelings out... so that i can carry on acting on the stage of life..

Today wore mask again... went to school, did not talked much... was really tired that after lesson finish i went to prefect room to sleep.. amazingly i manage to get some sleep though i was quite disturbed... did not talk much when i was witht he juniors and eat lunch with them... after come home sleep all the way until 7.30.. made my way to Meet the People Session, haish need to change mask.. .. I am so tired.. homework have not finished... i cant cheer the people around me who is sad... i am such a failure.. a good for nothing.. a useless pile of trash...

I am tired.. really tires.. tried to improve my grades for 2 years.. 2 bloody fucking years.. i still have not improve. Tried to study at home, niee disturb... Tried to study at mac, parents nag... Tried to study at school, parent complain.. Never study, exams/test fail... Fail then teachers start to make noise... very demoralising.. i cant stand all this anymore... i am just a normal person..

Wore a mask to school today. a smiling mask... dd not joke or make people laugh... i even put a stong front in front of CK and Qiqi today... i am really tired of everything... of life... want to talk to kevin, never like the way he talk to me.. all the vulgarities and shouting would rise... i have been wearing a mask for years... when can i put it down??? God, you are the only one whom can help me...

i feel like crying but i cant... i dont know, whats wrong with me today..? Perhaps i am just feel that i am a useless good for nothing fool.. i feel helpless.. i am a loser....

Haish, i am tired of everything... tired of this stinking life... an endless vicious cycle... how iw wish it all could simply end....

Decided to blog today

hmm, woke up as per normal in the morning... Do the normal stuffs and make way to school...

1St period - Chemistry
Did some experiment with marble chips and HCL. While doing experiment i keep disturbing Wei Cheng and Michelle XD Had a great time disturbing Wei Cheng...

2ND period - SS
Was listening and copying notes when i suddenly heard like a ghost crying beside me... Actually it was Cheryl Yuen singing... sorry cheryl, dont mean to be so bad to you XDD Then we suddenly talked about where we want to go to.. So Cheryl, Work hard so that you can go to those placesXD

Break
OMG!!!. The food was..... Mdm Law promised tmr food would be better so yah looking forward for it XD After eating drop in the prefect room when they having meeting.. Finally can see them working.. GOOD JOB guys, keep it up XD

3RD period - Maths
Went through paper then got Cheryl to teach me XD Thanks Cheryl

4TH period - History
Spent most of the time listening to Mrs Tan - the only period i think i listened apart from maths... throughoout disturbing Meggie and vice versa XD

After study camp went to prefect room to sit in their board review... Found out that the room is very disorganise...XD then after that went out to lunch with them...Had a great lunch, especially XD (those at my table would understand). After eating the rest need to go home, so i wander with Chin Keong around kovan while he waits for Xin Yuan... after that went home

overall, today was fun.. Had a good mood the whole day..

To Nicole
Hey Nic, must get well soon k??? This is not the time to fall sick.. time is crucial now.. take care of yourselve XD