I am losing the enthusiasm for tomorrow.. i don't know whether i have the confidence... i don't know whether i have what it takes.. i am so scared to put on that mask and put up a strong front again.. i am very scared of the outcome.. all this made me want to skip tomorrow.. i don't think i should go.. i just rob some one's opportunity...

Hmm i had a BLAST weekend...

Hmm i would only talk about my return trip from Tanjung Balai..

After our ferry left its port i told my mum i want to go up and enjoy the breeze..

So on the way back i was thinking with the music playing on my earpiece.. I should be back to my reckless attitude in sec 1.. I should not be what i am today.. trying to restrict myself to this and that.. i would be what i am.. no more mask.. no more acts.. i must be like last time where problems are things that should be solved but should be loved.. i never used to emo.. so whats the diff now?? hahas... so i am going to be back to my own self.. besides that i also think that i should not waste time on things not concerning to me.. lets put that aside now.. and i would bring you through what i saw along the way..

The sunset.. i never knew it was from yellow to orange to red.. it was so beautiful with the sea and mountains on the background.. i was stunt at how beautiful nature can be.... then it got me thinking of god.. how blessed i am to be able to see the world where some can only see darkness.. to be able to hear when some can only hear their thoughts in their mind.. to be able to travel when some are too poor to even eat... with all this blessing i was still not content with life?? hmm how selfish i was...

Next i saw, fighter jets of the Republic of Singapore Air Force in the air, frigate of the Republic of Singapore Navy in the sea and the police coast guard boat.. now how blessed we are to be born in Singapore.. where peace and prosperity prevails.. security is given to every citizen and visitor.. Then it got me thinking of how this servicemen sacrifice their time and family to ensure our city is safe.. No one stop to thank them, when they see them outside.. no one show their gratitude,, but they still serve the nation proudly.. that's what i should do.. hmm the trip really make me think.. :)

Thanks my lovely family for everything.. though i cannot join you all to Malaysia this Friday cause of that concert..

I seriously don't know what to do.. Study so hard.. Fail.. Don't study also fail.. Then what is the use of studying.. i am trying m y best.. listening in class, avoiding falling asleep.. After school study.. Go home bath, rest then study again... Whats wrong.. I screwed that paper just because i thought carbon is a metal... No wonder no one care about my advices because i am a failure.. a big failure... failed in making the board a better place.. failed in studies... failed in studies.. My biggest failure is ruining 2 people....


I had a really bad dream.. A dream that i fell from level 9... Then my life ended there.. Sometimes how i wish it could be that easy, so everyone would be happy without me around.. So i can ed all this nonsense,... but god forbids committing suicide..

Today is a fucking bad day.. a really unlucky day... haish... Hisyam what has become of you??

Hmm today is not that bad :)

To My Juniors : Though i have stepped down.. you can still approach me and have a chat or if you need advices k??

Hmm woke up 45 mins earlier today, rushed to bath and skipped my breakfast cause i thought i was going to be late to meet someone.. End up i reach there, he forgot.. Well, my sacrfices always goes down the drain so who cares..



So made used of the time to study a bit.. The go to FRC, gosh, why sec 4s always kena target... sad, but its ok more time for me to read my book :D Recess, again skipped recess, spent it by reading newspaper and watching the video.. went back to class.. nothing much le.. after school, study again...



Now my life is all about study study and study.. But i never knew studying is so fun.. hahas.. now i know how claire feel :)

No words can describe how i feel today.. Its been 2 days that i dont have problems to tie me down.. All i can say is lifa is finally superb.. Hahas.. this gonna be a really short post cause i dont know what to say..

God please give Mr Taha the strength and patience for him to fulfill his duties.. Mr Taha you brought the change...

sometimes i just feel like jumping to end everything..

I am tired of everything. Tired of coaching people.. Talking to people.. Homeworks.. Assesments.. TYS... EVERYTHING.. Its like i need to do everything in this god damn world..... Not too sure whether my help is appreciated or taken note of or not...

For today only i was already approached by 3 juniors that they want to quit.... I dont know lah.. But i am disappointed.. Terribly..

The rehearsal is a failure.. I am a failure.. I screw the whole thing up... I am sorry prefects for wasting your time.. Really Sorry..

For today only i have misplaced my bag 3 times, book once and phone once.. Lucky Mr Teo, Chin Keong and Sok Kuan found my bag respectively.. I dont know whats got into me today.. I was like sriously blut.. Thought i lost my pencil but it is inside my bio book..
During maths more classic.. I turn the whole table upside down to find a worksheet.. guess where it is? ITS ON MY HAND... haish...


Adakah apa yang aku lakukan ini betul.. Kenapakah hatiku ini amat lembut sehingga senang untuk dipuji?? Aku amat penat dengan semua ini.. Siapalah aku ini.. Aku hanya seorang manusia... Aku tidak boleh buat semuanya....Aku betul-betul penat dengan permainan dunia yang tidak beputus-putus...

Definitely a message i want to share to all my juniors, friends, god brothers and sisters, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.... ESPECIALLY TO YOU GIRL.. STAY STRONG

I have decided to reopen my blog for no reason....

I thought after i step down i can put my mind at ease and focus on my studies but i think i am wrong.. I am lost in my decision making and i think i have lost my sense of direction... Never in life have i felt this way...

Am i that stressed up?? Thats what i have been told by juniors, friend, teachers and family... Cheryl Yuen, Eileen , Jia Xin, Kian Meng and Theng Wei even bought my birthday present earlier( though it has passed-, they told me they would give after O's) and they gave me a stress tomato.. Its kinda useful and thoughtful of them but i dont think it helps me in dis-stressing... My sister says i have more white hair, so she helped me pull some out and my, there are so long.. My father remarked, "I never had white hair at your age..." When i meet with some of the those whom i have not met for some time they said i look older, like really older.. its as if i am in my 20s.. haish, perhaps i am really stressed???

I have tried my very best to study everyday but i just dont have the self discipline to sit down for hours to do some stupid questions.. how i admire those students who can study for hours....I just feel like giving up and just help my mum forever...

Wahai ibuku, kenapakah engkau kuat berjudi.. Kau selalu mengadu yang kau tak ada duit tetapi engkau menjudikannya semua... Ya Allah, ampunkan dosanya itu dan tunjukkanlahnya jalan yang benar..

Should i just handover everything to you.. since you are the one in charge now... But i just dont have the trust that you would do a good job.. after everything that you have done i have some doubts about you... show me that i am wrong and everyone is right..

And you please mind your language.... you are always getting into trouble.. knowing your temper i always try to get rid of those who want to harm you.. now i dont think i can do it le.. please try and control that temper of yours....

and you please take care of yourself.. just because he sometimes ignore you does not mean he does not like you anymore.. He may just be tired.. K.. these few days its been better, hope it stays that where..

hey girl.. stay strong k? you can fight that disease... you are a strong girl who has always tried to cheer me up.. i know you can do it.. please stay strong and fight it...

When you tell me about it.. It broke my heart... you are such a pleasant girl.. This actually reminded me of how cruel this world is.. How unfair reality and fate is.. I am afraid to lose one more friend, but i know you are not going to give up easily.. I know you are a very strong girl who would not give up without a fight.. I am sorry that i took you for granted.. Always there to cheer me up.. Now its my turn to return your gratitude.. please allow me too.. i have been whining about how unfair life is but look someone else who looks happy is actually feeling worse...

I am ashamed of myself. I am a malay yet i can speak proper malay.. Even the MM or PM who is a chinese cant speak fluent malay.. Its such a shame.. A let down.. I dont know what to do.. I feel like i am so useless... I feel like i lose my identity....

Like others in school, i do question myself why i enjoy priviliges which other srudents dont have.. IS it because i have gotten their trust?? but why did i have their trust?? I have always had privileges, even in primary school.. i dont know whether i deserve that kind of treatment.. there are others who are way better that deserve it..

The resepect i receive from my juniors... or maybe they act to respect me.. nevertheless, each time a junior call my name, said hi, nod their heads or wave at me, i would ponder.. do i deserve such a respect.. do i deserve all this friendliness.. i questions myself, who am i always???

I am so disappointed with myself.. Just because of my own selfishness someone who is so strong, so good and a potential suffered lots of setbacks alone... It was so bad that he build walls around him to protect himself. The wall which forever changed him.. And i still dare to reprimand someone for being selfish... LOOK at YOURSELF, hisyam. Who are you? Because of you someone happiness was destroyed. his childhood been scarred forever. just because of your fears? Does multiple betrayals from someone after what you have done, the tears, the concerns, the sleepless nights, the leaving of class early and return late just to be with him so that you can help him when he needs you, gives you the right to close your doors to others who needs it a lot more than the previous guy? Someone who look forwards to embrace it.. I don't know what you are thinking all this while, hisyam.. You need to accept your failures and not close yourself just because of that.. though its hard to do... Nothing is impossible if you tried your best..

I apologise for my mistake.. though you are willing to give me another chance.. what i have done to you would forever remain there and no amount of apology and effort can erase painful memories...

I cant stand all this anymore... I know who i am... I am just a normal guy to you but at least spare a thought for me.. you know that i was really disappointed with what you tell me.. i really hope you would spare a thought for others but i see i am wrong.. I am beginning to think its friends influence..

and you, appreciate what i am doing for you now and not give me attitude.. no one is going to give you face or protect you anymore after i leave..

and you, i am speechless. you are a total let down...

I spend so much time and sacrificed too much for my juniors but do they even appreciate it? Everyday cursing and scolding me and attitude me some more..... We were even ask to just leave the hall after passing down ceremony(initially), that broke my heart.. i was shocked.. just hope that you guys would not go through the same things when you all become the seniors..
Perhaps because i am such a failure that's why.. I pulled my whole exco down.. I am sorry to everyone whom i have let down..

When i saw you today, i wanted to tell you how to do it next time.. i wanted to talk to you.. but your face looks unwelcoming.. i dont even dare to approach.. rejection is a fear everyone is afraid of.. all i can do now is to wish you all the best..Perhaps they were right, i failed in training the next batch.. Cheng Lei and the office people was right.. i did not dida good job in passing down so indirectly all that is happening in the exco is my fault.. i did not train you properly.. now you are lost in what to do which affected that guy.. I am a failure in everything... studies, board and even friendship.... haish...

Today you dont look really happy.. cheer up k? Anything message me bah..

hey, you better dont stress yourselve with stuffs you dont need to do k? try to msg me if you need help.. if i am in a capacity to help i would..

i am glad my studies is improving especially maths like finally.. i am going to work harder...